Conflict

Personally, the most frustrating part of life (look, conflict!) is the fact that conflict exists. In my dreams, I would love a world where everyone gets along and looks out for everyone else, but that isn't reality, despite my every attempt to make it so.

We live and function in a constant state of conflict. If I had a nickel for every time someone said to me "I just don't like conflict" I would be a very wealthy woman. Also, if I had a nickel for every time someone who said that was then a SOURCE of conflict, wow, I wouldn't be writing this post, or I'd be writing it from my island that I own, haha.

How do we handle conflict? In practice I stress to clients, "It isn't the fact that you're IN conflict, it is how you handle that conflict that makes or breaks you". This is very true, but can be quite difficult to navigate, especially if that conflict is with someone you work with, work for, or live with, or even worse, love.

So you would think, since we all experience conflict, and we all live in constant conflict, we would be better at dealing with it. However, much like curly hair, we can only seem to strive to manage the conflict around us.

What happens when we don't? How do we navigate in a world of conflict when the very idea of conflict has us wanting to curl up on the couch and watch the Hallmark channel?

We grow our conflict toolbox. Much like a carpenter, we need a toolbox full of tools that we use for each job and when the job is conflict, we need a full wheeled, 20 drawer tool system.

So grab your map and a carpenter belt and lets start building.

1. Be gentle - readers of my personal blog have noted that I say this all the time almost every single blog post ends with be gentle. Why? Because conflict is ever so much easier to resolve when you're being gentle. If you have to confront someone about something, isn't it better when you're kind about it? Let me give an example:

Say you need to confront someone at work because they didn't communicate something to you that you needed to know in order to complete your job. Pulling them aside and saying "Hey, this happened...and this is what I need from you to keep this from happening again" is much easier and kinder than saying "How could you let me go into this not knowing this? Why would you do that to me?"

Even if you may feel that you have the right to be upset, perhaps they meant to tell you and it slipped their mind. Or perhaps they told someone else and that person didn't tell you. Maybe they didn't realize you needed to know it. You don't know the circumstances surrounding why you didn't get the information you needed, you only know that you didn't get it. Take the time to collaborate with them on ways to communicate better, instead of making them feel attacked and upset that they've upset you.

2. Be clear in your expectations - both with yourself and others. This is difficult. This step also often requires the most adjustment by you. What I mean by that is, we have to make sure we have realistic expectations of people when we are setting them. I'm sure you've heard the saying "Expect nothing and then you'll never be disappointed" while that is not realistic, it is very true. If you do not set up impossible expectations of people in your life, you cannot be disappointed by them. This will by default ease a lot of the conflict in your life.

I am not a thin person. I cannot run a mile in 4 minutes. If someone expects me to do that, they will be sorely disappointed in my lack of ability to achieve their expectation. They may become frustrated and now we are in conflict. However, they can expect me to be on time for work, and if I fail to meet that expectation, then they have the right to be disappointed...and then...we are in conflict.

This is a very simplistic example, but sometimes, if we examine our expectations, we can see where our own personal expectations have put us in a place of conflict with those around us. Even worse if we expect out of others what we ourselves are not willing to give. If you are not speaking with someone, why expect them to speak with you? That's not fair, and not very kind either, which brings you back up to step 1, be gentle. Be gentle in your expectations as well.

I have friends and colleagues that I can trust with my deepest fears, I have others that I can't. If I confide in them, and they betray my confidence, yes, we're in conflict, but if they truly cannot keep it in confidence, why did I expect different of them?

3. When people show you who they are the first time, PLEASE believe them. This kind of extends what I was just talking about up above. If someone shows you that they struggle with keeping things in confidence, it doesn't mean you can't be friends with them, it just means you understand that is a limitation of their ability, don't expect it of them.

I recently found myself in conflict with a co-worker. Mainly my fault. Awhile ago, this person showed me that they do not have the ability to let things go. Later, I became frustrated because they refuse to let something go. Why? They aren't capable of that level, maybe they won't ever be, but that isn't for me. If I expect to work with this person, I need to accept that they showed me who they are the first time, and I didn't believe them. So it has now become my job to let it go, I cannot spend every day at work keeping track of all the ways they are showing me that they can't let it go, I simply need to let it go myself, lesson learned.

I have another coworker who has been supportive, and listens, and gives genuine feedback. That someone has shown me that they are trustworthy from the beginning, this is someone I can trust and lean on.

In the future, if I expect too much out of my other coworker, then my conflict with them is in part due to my refusal to accept their limitations, that isn't fair, and isn't gentle, and isn't adjusting my expectations.

This is one of my longer blogs, so if you've made it this far, take a breath and think on these things, as always, feel free to reach out to me and tell me what you agree or disagree with.

We will continue to build our conflict toolbox as we continue through this blog of life and therapy.