Let go

Letting go of things not meant for us can be the most healing act we do. As far as self care goes, it is more effective at releasing hurt and failure than any other action.

Easier said than done, this is true.

In therapy, letting go has been one of the hardest tools to teach my clients. Why? Because we keep track of hurts, we keep track of failures, we hold on to regrets, we what if ourselves literally to death. So how do we do it?

Often, letting go of things not meant for us involves weeks of therapy, talking about issues, sorting through things, and then letting go. Some people take longer than others and some people never master the skill.

The first step in letting go, is identifying what it is that has us hurting in the first place. It is easy to sit across from a therapist and say "I am mad at my friend because she ignored me" but what is difficult is identifying those underlying issues and feelings that are causing the hurt in the first place. We want to hurt, we don't want to think that we read too much into things or that our own feelings of vulnerability may be playing into things. Perhaps your friend was distracted and didn't realize she was ignoring you at all. It is possible that you may have been feeling something not related to that event at all, but it feels very safe to become upset about that and not address what is underneath the surface. Being angry and hurt is very self-affirming, it makes us feel that we are justified in our behavior and thoughts. It can be very dangerous though, because it holds us back from moving forward.

Once we identify underlying emotions we can begin to start to sort these feelings out and deciding what is meant for us and what is not. This requires honesty, sometimes brutal honesty, and unfortunately, this requires honesty with ourselves, which by nature we are not very good at. It is difficult to look at ourselves and think that we may have gotten it wrong. Especially when there is always that little voice that says "NO! remember? She ignored you!" We must become practiced at being honest with ourselves. If we can't be honest with ourselves, it is impossible to be honest with others, and that establishes relationships that are not built on trust and mutual respect. These relationships cannot and will not last.

After sorting through the emotions and feelings, we can begin to see what belongs to us and what doesn't. Looking for the lesson and accepting that moves us forward at a rate that is much better than wallowing in self pity over a failed venture or a "no" answer. Coming to the realization that some things just aren't meant for us, we aren't meant to hold onto these feelings, we are meant to learn from our experiences and apply that knowledge to new experiences, allows us the proper peace of mind to let go of these emotions that are trapping us in place and not allowing us to move forward with our lives.

If you find that you are struggling with letting go of past experiences, past arguments, past failures, etc, take some time and write down what it is you're holding on to, why you're holding onto it, and what you can do to let it go. Sometimes, writing things down helps us to get them out and get on with living our lives.