Why do I do that?

So many times we say something or do something and then later that day we torment ourselves asking why we did that or said that, often losing sleep over it.

Why do we do things that we later regret? Why do we say things that haunt us for the rest of the day?

Patterns of thought and behavior are established in our brains during childhood and adolescence. They are not permanent and through synapse loss and changing ideas, we can form new patterns, but many times, these patterns become maladaptive when we enter adulthood. Through social conditioning, we often learn that some things are not socially acceptable and we reject them as not working and they go to the wayside eventually becoming extinct.

For example, when we are younger, we speak what we think, without filter and without consideration for how it will be received. As we grow, we experience the ramifications and feedback for those statements and we quickly learn, usually by middle school, that these things are not appreciated and not appropriate in social settings.

However, we've all met that one person who vomits whatever is on their mind with zero regard for how it is going to be perceived by those around us, and any foray into reality television will demonstrate this perfectly.

Recently, my dog was jumping at the door instead of sitting calmly and waiting for his leash to be put on. I commented to him in frustration "Why do you do that? At what time has that ever resulted in you getting what you want?" and it hit me in that moment, how we do this in our lives. We repeat behaviors that do not work and are often shocked when we don't get the desired results.

Brain training. At some point, we were rewarded for that behavior or we felt we were, and so we repeat the behavior because it was successful.

If it isn't working now, we aren't getting what we want, and we're getting a nightful of tossing around regrets, how do we fix it?

First, acknowledging that it is a behavior that is not welcome is a huge step toward correcting it. We cannot fix what we will not acknowledge and often, this holds us back from so much in our lives.

Second, do the work. Changing the way your brain thinks is work, it requires practice, and you will not perfect it in one day, one hour, or one session with a therapist. Sometimes there are these breakthrough moments in therapy, but not all the time, and even the breakthrough moment requires practice. What we think about, we are practicing. It is exactly the same as practicing piano, practicing football, whatever we put our energy to we are practicing. The same goes for our thoughts. Retraining the brain requires patterns of thoughts and behaviors. Forming a habit requires repetition and work.

Third, as for feedback. Feedback from loved and well-trusted friends and family is invaluable for helping us break bad habits and reframe thought patterns. Reach out to someone you trust who you feel will give you honest feedback. Having someone to bounce your ideas off of will be very helpful in recognizing what you don't want to do and what adjustments to make to put you on the right path toward being your best self.